Girl's Not Grey

I'm joining the club.

Johari :)

As we dance with misery, all lost in the arms of our misery.

Nohari :(


I know I'll leave a stain because I bleed as we dance. We all dance. We all have no chance in this Horrid Romance.


------[sign off]
----Oh, how I smiled then, so near the cherished ones. I knew they would appear......saw not a single one.

Put it down right now and Bow out gracefully. Drown yourself right now.

October 26, 2006

Dear Friend,

Who knows me? Jene knows me! Um....out of that 'group' of friends, that's it. Who am I? Mary. Who do you know? Scottie.

I'm not trying to be a drama queen. I swear. But it's going to seem a little dramatic, so, sorry.

Who you know: Scottie.
Scottie: Happy, spazzy, random, and crazy. That's everything summed up. I don't really need to expand much since this is the one you know, but here goes a little something. I'm usually pretty hyper once I am awake and I'm always cracking jokes whether they are good or not and I have hundreds of inside jokes (provincial, lolol, werd, etc.). I've got a bunch of friends and three best friends and everything seems pretty good. Everything here except for my friends is a facade.

Who I am: Mary.
Mary: Sad, Cold, "emo"(yes. I am using a label), hateful. Yes. Incredibly hateful. If I don't like someone, I REALLY don't like them. I can give you examples, but you never know who'll read this. I don't need more people hating me. Sixty people is enough for now. So, yeah. I'm pretty much always mopey when I'm alone and that's fine with me. Just as long as nobody else sees that. When they did (8th grade, even) they just ended up mocking me, teasing me, hating me, and making me miserable and, if possible, feeling worse about myself. I really don't like myself. I don't know if I quite hate myself, but I really would prefer not to be me. So I just keep up the Scottie image so people will like me. I know that's shallow-ish and dumb and I know people are going to say "You can just be yourself! We love you anyway!" But you DON'T!

Nobody gets it. Nobody realizes that they don't know me! How can you love me if you don't know me? You know Scottie, you love Scottie. That's fine. But I can't be myself anymore. I can't be Mary. So I'm either going to be Scottie forever and just keep myself all stuffed up or I'm going to be Mary and have two friends. And that'll be it. I can't stand it! I can't stand being either person! I just want to find a place in between but I'm too scared to be Mary because I'm too scared that everyone scarred me for life years ago and I don't have the capability to be happy AND Mary at the same time. I don't like being two different people. I can't just be one at school and one at home anymore. It's too much.

All I have left to say is:
-Don't judge me. I can do that myself. I have done that myself.
-Don't tell me to be myself because that isn't what I want.
-Don't tell me everything will be okay unless you know that it will or you have some way of making it okay.
-Don't call me emo in a derogatory way and tell me to go cut myself(Like some people did today). I've been there and done that.
-Don't you dare tell me you love me. Say that you love Scottie if you want to or if you even do, but don't even think about telling me you love me unless you know me. That privilege is reserved to two people. Erin and Jené.
-I'm sick of it all.


does it feel like forever
And shouldnt you be laughing too?
Take a look how they found you
Take a look what theyve done to you now
What was it they wanted
Sullen and haunted?

Just how deep will you go
To see through it all?
If you could consume her
Would you say you were finding your way out?
Is anything coming clearer?

Coming closer my composure turning
Inside out in her
Calling home all alone
You can call I wont answer
Any question in my head
Remains until you feel the same
Never telling how I felt is all I ever cared about(("Sick of It All" - Finger Eleven))




---Love Always,
Charlie

Look At This Photograph

AAHHH NO! I can't find my totally awesome picture! Its Cosmo and Bailey(my cats) when they were little kittens and they are sitting in a basket and it's just their little faces and its sooooo cute! But it is nowhere to be found.

Don't worry. I'll find it.

SOOOOO Guess what! I am Kelsi in High School Musical! I am so excited. I can't play the piano, but I'm the "playmaker" so it rocks anyway. Terasina is Gabriella and I'm sooo excited for that too cause she rocks like metamorphic. So, yeah. But Langan is Troy, so that's kind of sad. But really really really funny. Yep. Uhm...okaybye,

And here's my awesome homecoming pictures from the de Sales homecoming. Yay me! It's at our friends house though cause our camera died.

--Scottie: Well, I saw it on your keyboard and you saw it in my eyes

Why Can You Read Me Like No One Else?

Spent months of last night dragging this lake for the corpses of all my past mistakes.

HEY LOOK! I wrote this in JessTea's yearbook. I am SOOOO Awesome. Be jealous.........NOW!::: 'I <3 Jess "She's the Blade" that's right. She's my little "Angel With a Filthier Soul" and "Until Her Heart Stops", she'll be the coolest person ever. "It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine, I Am Thinking It Must Be Love". We're "MFEO". So here's to all the "Lipstick and Bruises" the "Downfall of Western Civilization" and a toast to the inevitable "Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year". Cause it's "Time to Dance!" Here comes "The Adventure"...


I'm writing one for Jené now. Well, not RIGHT now, but in the near future.



Take your taste back. Peel back your skin. Try to forget how it feels inside. You should try saying no once and a while, oh once and a while.


--Scottie: Her heart is the worst kind of weapon.

Do You Know What Stars Are?

First off, here's the opening band I have a couple pictures of. Ladies and Gentlemen, Daphne Love Derby:



And now.....





The real deal...........





ANDREW MCMAHON!!!!!!!!





















YES


I love Andrew (McMahon).


:D Hahah.


--Scottie: as cars pass by the liquor store, I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano

You Wouldn't Know A Good Thing...

...If it came up and slit your throat.

Or...maybe it just dropped bricks on your toes. Then maybe you'd know. In other words(or should I say woids?), my toes are the only parts of my feet that actually hurt. Silly boots.

So guess what!!! I recorded a song yesterday and it was fun. I had to do each part individually, but, thanks to GarageBand (from iLife), I was able to add effects to change my acoustic guitar riffs to any instrument I wanted or I could choose what kind of piano my keyboard would sound like. (I could do that with the keyboard itself, too. I've actually recorded my own renditions of "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol, "I've Got A Dark Alleyway and A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth" by Fall Out Boy, and I am working on "Silver and Cold" by AFI. My piano intro is in the wrong key I think. I have only tried it once, so it wont take long to adjust.

Now I am watching the World Baking Cup on the Food Network. It's exciting. It's funny. The people have little titles like "Team America" and stuff. :D

Uuuhhhmmmmm okay, I am going to finish watching this show then work more on my totally bound-to-be-awesome recording.

AFI would kill me. :D

--Scottie: Spent months of last night dragging this lake
For corpses of all my past mistakes

Have you heard the one about the Baptist and the Apologetic?

Yesterday was the Linthicum Fair. It rained. So Holly, Erin, Mike, and I took our crappy scarecrow back to Holly's house. He looked anorexic. And it was a very sad fifteen minutes. As soon as we reached Holly's house, though, it got worse. Here's the setting: I am holding my own umbrella and a plate of funnel cake. Holly is holding an umbrella for her and Erin as well as her plate of funnel cake. Erin was holding a can of Sprite and Mike's plate of funnel cake, and Mike was carrying Charlie Brown the scarecrow. Holly had to open the door so she handed the umbrella to Erin. Erin takes the umbrella and, to make it easier, goes to put Mike's plate of funnel cake on top of the Sprite can. The very second that the plate topples off and lands face-down on the sidewalk, Charlie the scarecrow falls into two pieces. So Mike had the pants slung over his shoulder, but the torso and head fell and got smudged with powdered sugar.

So, yeah. We renamed the scarecrow Ernesto. It was my idea.

Then it stopped raining so we went back to the fair and we got ambushed by these Baptists. They gave me a balloon Giraffe and I named it Esteban. THEN! Then story. They had a little thing at their table that said, "Are you a good person? Take Our Test!" And if you took the test, no matter what, you had to have disobeyed at least one of the ten commandments and therefore were going to Hell. So then I got into a discussion with the Baptist running the thing. This is roughly how it went.

Me: "Well, what if you repent for your sins?
Dude: You have to repent and then carry out the will of God.
What if you repent and then die the next second?
How does God know you are truly sorry?
Cause you just told Him so. And He's omniscient so he knows either way.
But he says that you need to carry out his will or you will not be saved.
So I am going to Hell. Got it. Eternal damnation for telling a lie and then apologizing.
Well, if you aren't following the laws of God, then you must face our just creator's punishment. Look at it this way. Say there is a murderer and he is in court. The judge is a good person, but he has to be fair. The murdered says that he is truly sorry and will never do it again, so should the judge let him go? No. He must punish him.
So you are putting a lie on the same level as murder? Are you telling me that if I lie and am not truly sorry, then I could go kill someone and pay no more of a price?
Basically.
Well that's dumb. What about you then?
Well, if I died right now, I'd go to Heaven.
You're perfect then? Cause nothing imperfect enters Heaven.
Yes. I am perfect.
How so? You sin. I'm sure of it. You're man, so you're fallible.
Yes, I sin, but when I do, I tell God that I am sorry.
So it'll save you, but not me because I am not a Baptist?
No. Being sorry isn't enough--
For anybody except for yourself. So I guess you don't believe in Purgatory either.
No. It's not in scripture.
Yes it is. 1 Peter Chapter 3, John Chapter 20, throughout the whole book of Luke. ((Handy knowledge, right there)) Do you pray for the dead?
Yes.
Why? If there is no Purgatory, they must be in heaven or hell.
Correct. Why can't I pray for them?
Why bother? In Hell they are eternally damned so you can't help them. In Heaven, they are perfect, so they don't need your prayers.
Well, there are souls in Hades.
Which is, what? A Roman God? Do sinners get eaten by Hades?
Of course not. Sinners go to either Heaven, Hell, or Hades. Hades is a division before Hell. It is a place of torment from which sinners go to Hell.
So you can just say it's Hell.
No. Hell is permanent.
But if you are in Hades, you will go to Hell anyway. **no response from Baptist** So where did Jesus go for the three days between his death and resurrection? He went to save the souls in Purgatory that were waiting to be cleansed so as to enter Heaven.
Yes, and that was in hades.
But you said that in Hades they went to Hell in the end.
I did.
.....and so?
Let me put it this way. *man describes court situation again*
That has nothing to do with purgatory.
*delayed response totally unrelated to what I said* Everything there is to believe is in Scripture.
See, but I am Catholic so I believe in the inerrancy of Sacred Tradition too. There's this recording of Scott Hahn--
I don't like him.
How Christian. So there's this recording where he proves that Tradition is divinely inspired and Scripture is not the only source of revelation from God.
You say that because you are Catholic. You believe that men are infallible.
Thanks for the info, but no I don't. I believe that, when they teach about faith and morals, the Magisterium is infallible.
That's wrong.
If man is fallible, how do you know that Scripture is all Truth? God used men as his instrument to write it. If you believe it as the whole Truth, it must be divinely inspired. if it's divinely inspired, it must be infallible and inerrant. But a man wrote it.
Well. i have to tend to my stand, so I'll have to leave you now.
Gee, I'm crushed.



And at that point, Esteban and I took our business elsewhere.


---Scottie: "Focus on the crucifix. For Jesus without the cross is a man without a mission, and the cross without Jesus is a burden without a reliever." -Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen.