You said you'd keep me honest, but I wont call you on it

Muss.
Kulls.



We take sour sips from life's lush lips
And we shake, shake, shake the hips in relationships
Stop by this disaster town
You'll put your eyes to the sun and say,
"I know you're only blinding to keep back what the clouds are hiding"
And we might have started singing just a little soon
We're throwing stones in a glass room.

oh we're so miserable and stunning
love songs so genuinely cunning

We keep the beat with your blistered feet
We bullet the words at the mockingbirds singing
Slept through the weekend, and dreamed
We're just sinking with the melody of the kiss of eternity
Got postcards from my former self saying "how you been?"
We might of signaled fire just a little soon
Our beliefs of kissing beats over this room

oh we're so miserable and stunning
oh love songs so genuinely cunning

It was ice cream headaches and sweet avalanche
When the pearls in our shells came out to dance
You call me a bad tipper of the cradle
But I’m just tired yawns for fawns on hunter’s lawns
We’re the has-beens of husbands
Sharpening the knives of young wives
Take two years and call me when you're better
Take teardrops of mine, find yourself wetter.




It's "The Carpal Tunnel of Love"




-------Scottie: all the sentimental memories you own, when they say grow up it's just like a funeral. and it feels like (it feels like) you're lost.

I know you think you've heard it all before.

In response to that last comment on "Dear Jene":

First: Why did you read this if you were afraid to? I say: don't face your fears. End up like me and see what it's like. Until then you'll never know why I say things. Why do you think I'm not your friend? Who told you that? Who are you? I can tell you. I'm choosing my friends, okay? If people come up to me and talk to me once a week and we are friendly, I don't call you a friend. I call you a person who I am civil towards. Got it? So (I say this with all the concern for feelings that you said your bit) if I'm not your friend and you want me to be, get over it. You have/had your chance, you either used it or you didn't. Tough luck. It isn't a big deal. It's like being friends with a demotivator most of the time, I bet. Why would you leave a comment again? Didn't you get that everything was all better? Or, no, wait, we aren't friends, so you wouldn't be talking to me about anything other than lunch money and sodas and crap. Why bring it back up, though?

Back to the point: I'm not being hypocritical. God was the only thing I had left. (Suicide looked like a party compared to everything else because I missed feeling like somebody was there for me. So, if I bothered with anything, it wouldn't matter, so I'm taking up space, who cares.) But I fixed it. yay me, right? No. It's all better, but it isn't because of me, I don't think, and that's fabulous. Anyway, in middleschool, did anything like this happen to you? Cause that must have been a REALLY screwed up place.

I wish you could hear what I was saying. I really, really wish you could. I'm not talking about JUST what you know. I have my stories too. I have my own reasons for things, and the people who bothered to check on me know what they are.

Of COURSE there are people with bigger problems! I know that! But why, then, are you minimizing MY problems?! WHY DO YOU THINK NOBODY SHOULD CARE? I think that if somebody is hurt, someone should care. I think it needs to matter to somebody. I'm sorry if you don't share that view, but maybe I need help too sometimes. These aren't only my problems all the time, but the way you're talking, it sounds like I just dug myself into a hole of shit by 'confronting' my problems or whatever in the face. That was this. This blog entry was for people who knew what was going on. Not for people who go, "Oh, okay. That girl is kind of cool, I think I'll play the friends game with her..........oh wait, she's depressed. I better get defensive and awkwardly butt in where I DONT belong, and am NOT welcome."



So, just whatever. I don't care anymore. This is getting old. No, it IS old. This is old news that you attacked, and I am done trying to explain myself. Geez. It's not even like a broken record. I keep repeating stuff, yeah, but it's like somebody is playing the same record over and over and as soon as somebody finally put it away someone else pulled it back out and started it again because I have to keep explaining the whole thing.



To try to sum it up: You don't get it. Don't pretend that you do. Don't pretend that we are friends. Tell me who you are(I want to know who talks about me. Really. I want to know what people say about how awful I am). I don't give a crap about sensitivity when you don't either, so don't get your feelings hurt by this. If we aren't friends, why would it hurt your feelings if I didn't like you? I don't just dump friends, so I must have never liked you, or we ARE friends and you are just listening to the outdated bullshit.


------Scottie: Something tells me that you think I'm stupid when I say to you that what I say is true.

I've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you.

I don't even have a reason for writing this post...Oh wait. Yes I do. Just Kidding.


I I I I want to make a music video. I think a joyous, upbeat one would be fun, but I feel like making a depressing one to "The Blues"(Switchfoot) or "Counting Stars"(Sugarcult) or maybe even a SOmething Corporate song(I'm leaning towards this.)

You all have to help in some way. Okay?

1. Tell me which lyrics you like better:

A: "I've been climbing ladders through time
I've got tunnel vision but I'm doing fine
And I've been watching stars coming off of the wall
And maybe if I'm lucky I could catch them before you fall
And you are not alone"

B: "There's nothing here worth saving,
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?
It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down "

C: "Counting stars wishing I was okay
Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to
Counting stars again"

D: "Well I can tell as you turn,
I smell the sulfur so clear.
And fire's a beautiful sound.
And the wings that you burn turn to ashes my dear,
and ashes just fall to the ground.
Yeah we're only ashes."

E: "Taking steps back through
The words I should have said to you
They all got lost - you went away
Well I feel sick and
You just don't care anymore, anymore "


2. Tell me if you want to be IN my video

3. Tell me if you have any specific sad ideas that you'd like me to incorporate. (stories, scenes, effects, etc.)



4. I'm so bored.



---Scottie: You said betweeen your smiles and regrets, "Don't say it's over....dead and gone."

I am an Arms Dealer

Fitting you with weapons in the form of words.
And I don't really care which side wins.
Just as long as the room keeps singing
'Cause that's the business I'm in.
This ain't a scene it's a goddamned arms race.















You know what this means?


--Scottie: I'm a leading man and the lies I weave are oh so intricate. Bandwagon's full. Please, catch another.

Hard to notice, gleaming from the sky when you're staring at the cracks

It's not as cold out here but come quick. I'm losing feeling.

"I'm gonna send the rain your way."

"Do you think we're gonna make it? I don't know unless we try."

I don't want to risk trying again, though. I don't want everything to fall back into a spiral of pain and tormant like everyone did in November. It hurts to live now, though. Everyone I see is happy and they stay happy. I just have random, fleeting happiness and I hate that.

---Scottie: Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you

"These dreams of yours are gonna fly"

You fix this.

You make this go away.

---Scottie: aren't you relieved to find out you're not a gollum

a big man is ripping your ears off, percy.

People hurt the ones they love. That's how it is all around the world. Do you believe that if a man repents enough for what he done wrong, than he'll get to go back to the time that was happiest for him and live there forever? Could that be what heaven's like? The man is mean, careless, and stupid. Bad combination in a place like this. There's lotsa people here that hate me, lots. I can feel it. It's like bees stingin' me. I guess sometimes the past just catches up with you, whether you want it to or not. Men under strain can snap. Hurt themselves. Hurt others. That's why our job is talking, not yelling. You'll do better to think of this place like an intensive care ward in a hospital. I couldn't help it, boss. I tried to take it back, but it was too late.

Do you leave a light on after bedtime? Because I get a little scared in the dark sometimes. If it's a strange place.

I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark.


--John, Paul, Percy, Del, & Melinda: We each owe a death - there are no exceptions - but sometimes, oh God, the Green Mile seems so long.