Dear Friend,
Who knows me? Jene knows me! Um....out of that 'group' of friends, that's it. Who am I? Mary. Who do you know? Scottie.
I'm not trying to be a drama queen. I swear. But it's going to seem a little dramatic, so, sorry.
Who you know: Scottie.
Scottie: Happy, spazzy, random, and crazy. That's everything summed up. I don't really need to expand much since this is the one you know, but here goes a little something. I'm usually pretty hyper once I am awake and I'm always cracking jokes whether they are good or not and I have hundreds of inside jokes (provincial, lolol, werd, etc.). I've got a bunch of friends and three best friends and everything seems pretty good. Everything here except for my friends is a facade.
Who I am: Mary.
Mary: Sad, Cold, "emo"(yes. I am using a label), hateful. Yes. Incredibly hateful. If I don't like someone, I REALLY don't like them. I can give you examples, but you never know who'll read this. I don't need more people hating me. Sixty people is enough for now. So, yeah. I'm pretty much always mopey when I'm alone and that's fine with me. Just as long as nobody else sees that. When they did (8th grade, even) they just ended up mocking me, teasing me, hating me, and making me miserable and, if possible, feeling worse about myself. I really don't like myself. I don't know if I quite hate myself, but I really would prefer not to be me. So I just keep up the Scottie image so people will like me. I know that's shallow-ish and dumb and I know people are going to say "You can just be yourself! We love you anyway!" But you DON'T!
Nobody gets it. Nobody realizes that they don't know me! How can you love me if you don't know me? You know Scottie, you love Scottie. That's fine. But I can't be myself anymore. I can't be Mary. So I'm either going to be Scottie forever and just keep myself all stuffed up or I'm going to be Mary and have two friends. And that'll be it. I can't stand it! I can't stand being either person! I just want to find a place in between but I'm too scared to be Mary because I'm too scared that everyone scarred me for life years ago and I don't have the capability to be happy AND Mary at the same time. I don't like being two different people. I can't just be one at school and one at home anymore. It's too much.
All I have left to say is:
-Don't judge me. I can do that myself. I have done that myself.
-Don't tell me to be myself because that isn't what I want.
-Don't tell me everything will be okay unless you know that it will or you have some way of making it okay.
-Don't call me emo in a derogatory way and tell me to go cut myself(Like some people did today). I've been there and done that.
-Don't you dare tell me you love me. Say that you love Scottie if you want to or if you even do, but don't even think about telling me you love me unless you know me. That privilege is reserved to two people. Erin and Jené.
-I'm sick of it all.
does it feel like forever
And shouldnt you be laughing too?
Take a look how they found you
Take a look what theyve done to you now
What was it they wanted
Sullen and haunted?
Just how deep will you go
To see through it all?
If you could consume her
Would you say you were finding your way out?
Is anything coming clearer?
Coming closer my composure turning
Inside out in her
Calling home all alone
You can call I wont answer
Any question in my head
Remains until you feel the same
Never telling how I felt is all I ever cared about(("Sick of It All" - Finger Eleven))
---Love Always,
Charlie
9 comments:
I honestly cannot find a way to say this to my satisfaction, but I'll try:
I think I understand (for I had thought very much the same thing and, at times, still do) what you have said.
So I will say this once, you can accept now or anytime hereafter (even if you say "Thanks, but no thanks" and change your mind)... but I will never speak of it again: I am here for you (and anyone else). I may be able to help, or not. But, I am here and I am great.
(If you are careless or careful, I know not, you may end like me)
Oh... and is that the friendship bracelet/necklace? Cause if it is I'm happy!
The Damned and the Saint, James and Andrew
Yeah, it's the friendship bracelet necklace! I totally wear it everywhere.
And thanks for the thoughts. For the people who've actually spoken to me about this, I'm really grateful, I just might not seem like it.
--Love Always,
Charlie
see my blog
I'm here for you, and since you told me not to say I love you, I won't, just know that I'm here for you if you need someone, I've gone/am going through a very similar situation, but I'm not up to explaining it now. And since I can't say that I love you, I care about you (in that friend way). I'm here, just call or something.
<3 Jess
*Provincial*
Ok you know what I'm gonna say it, I Love You. I'll Love you whether you're Mary or Scottie or MaryScottie, not matter what I Love you. I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't tell you that I'd Love You no Matter What. And I will love you no matter what.
Love Your Friend,
Jess
hey scottie this is kasey i will always love you no matter who you are because i know what your going through and i know how hard it is to be the other side of yourself and be scared of rejection because deep down everyone cares what other people think of them..no one likes to be hated if u ever need anything i will always be here for you...always...wow that sounded really gay...el oh el
Thanks guys. I still don't know how to get the point across of what I'm saying. I dunno. I really appreciate what you are all saying and it means everything to me that you guys are there. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Really, what else do I have? I can't stand my family or most of my classmates, so my few friends are everything. But I guess I still don't feel that much better 'cause I don't want anybody to know how absolutely horrible I can be. I just look at my life from outside of myself(obviously not really) and I hate it. I've determined that by now. I couldn't care less. For the few minutes or hours of happiness I have per day, it just doesn't seem that much worth it. Bleh. I don't feel like typing or doing anything when I know that nobody is really on the other end of my words right now. Just as a last little note, though, I'm glad that you're all there for me, but I just can't talk to people in person about things. I just get too depressed for no reason. I get mad at them and it's not their fault and then I feel bad. Either that or I get upset and just stop talking and nothing gets resolved, it just gets more confusing. So...... I'm gonna go now.
----All the cracks, they lead right to me
And all the cracks will crawl right through me, and I fell apart
As I... walked away, heard them say
"Poisoned hearts will never change"
omg mary. ok i feel kinda like i'm invading your privacy a little bit and i dont know why because this is posted on the frickin internet haha. but i just wanna say I LOVE YOU. you're my best friend and i just wish that you'd tell me this stuff! not to be all blamey but i dk...like on the phone the other day when we were like we never talk about our feelings anymore haha this is what i mean! i dk i guess i'm just feeling a little out of the loop. but i love you just the way you are and i know you said not to tell you this but its ok to be yourself! you DON'T have to put up a face or anything to make people like you. if they're your real friends they'll like you anyway. and if you're afraid of people being mean or whatever forget about it. 8th grade was a joke. i know it sucked for you majorly more than i can really understand but thats OVER. you dont even have to talk to any of the people that were mean if you dont want to. YOU are in control of your life right now and you can be whoever you want to be. you just have to have the confidence to do it. don't forget that i'm always here for you no matter what. i just want you to be happy with yourself, and i say this all in the least homosexual way possible. =]
Erin <33333333333333333333
(i decided to give you an extra big asscone to make you feel better=])
Thanks Erin. That did really help. But the problem is that if I do actually talk to someone in person or on the phone, I get way too angry and upset and I can't talk anymore. That's why it's easier to just put it on my blog.
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