I know you think you've heard it all before.

In response to that last comment on "Dear Jene":

First: Why did you read this if you were afraid to? I say: don't face your fears. End up like me and see what it's like. Until then you'll never know why I say things. Why do you think I'm not your friend? Who told you that? Who are you? I can tell you. I'm choosing my friends, okay? If people come up to me and talk to me once a week and we are friendly, I don't call you a friend. I call you a person who I am civil towards. Got it? So (I say this with all the concern for feelings that you said your bit) if I'm not your friend and you want me to be, get over it. You have/had your chance, you either used it or you didn't. Tough luck. It isn't a big deal. It's like being friends with a demotivator most of the time, I bet. Why would you leave a comment again? Didn't you get that everything was all better? Or, no, wait, we aren't friends, so you wouldn't be talking to me about anything other than lunch money and sodas and crap. Why bring it back up, though?

Back to the point: I'm not being hypocritical. God was the only thing I had left. (Suicide looked like a party compared to everything else because I missed feeling like somebody was there for me. So, if I bothered with anything, it wouldn't matter, so I'm taking up space, who cares.) But I fixed it. yay me, right? No. It's all better, but it isn't because of me, I don't think, and that's fabulous. Anyway, in middleschool, did anything like this happen to you? Cause that must have been a REALLY screwed up place.

I wish you could hear what I was saying. I really, really wish you could. I'm not talking about JUST what you know. I have my stories too. I have my own reasons for things, and the people who bothered to check on me know what they are.

Of COURSE there are people with bigger problems! I know that! But why, then, are you minimizing MY problems?! WHY DO YOU THINK NOBODY SHOULD CARE? I think that if somebody is hurt, someone should care. I think it needs to matter to somebody. I'm sorry if you don't share that view, but maybe I need help too sometimes. These aren't only my problems all the time, but the way you're talking, it sounds like I just dug myself into a hole of shit by 'confronting' my problems or whatever in the face. That was this. This blog entry was for people who knew what was going on. Not for people who go, "Oh, okay. That girl is kind of cool, I think I'll play the friends game with her..........oh wait, she's depressed. I better get defensive and awkwardly butt in where I DONT belong, and am NOT welcome."



So, just whatever. I don't care anymore. This is getting old. No, it IS old. This is old news that you attacked, and I am done trying to explain myself. Geez. It's not even like a broken record. I keep repeating stuff, yeah, but it's like somebody is playing the same record over and over and as soon as somebody finally put it away someone else pulled it back out and started it again because I have to keep explaining the whole thing.



To try to sum it up: You don't get it. Don't pretend that you do. Don't pretend that we are friends. Tell me who you are(I want to know who talks about me. Really. I want to know what people say about how awful I am). I don't give a crap about sensitivity when you don't either, so don't get your feelings hurt by this. If we aren't friends, why would it hurt your feelings if I didn't like you? I don't just dump friends, so I must have never liked you, or we ARE friends and you are just listening to the outdated bullshit.


------Scottie: Something tells me that you think I'm stupid when I say to you that what I say is true.