reds and yellows and blues

so i keep thinking of these things that i should put in my blog.
so here goes what i can remember.

i wrote a poem about this actually, but it was one of those things that is just in verse and it doesn't really count as poetry. it's on the other blog. :]
Anyway, I was thinking and I figure: I have some really terrible friends. I have the few great ones, but seriously, now that I think of it, half of my friends, if not more of them, could easily do without me and I without them. It's not really anything personal because, like I've said before, I really don't care if you are a good person or not, as long as you are real. Way back when (Like, a few months ago, heh), I told somebody I was sick of them because they were trying to be something they weren't---a decent, polite, friendly person. We aren't friends anymore. However, I have amazing friends who are of similar personalities. They aren't the nicest or greatest people, but I love them to death. You know why? Because they are real. I might get annoyed with them sometimes because they get ugly, but at least they are real.

I know it's a totally cliche thing to say "Be Yourself" but I've been thinking of it in a whole new way.
This sounds totally dumb.

I hate how I can't phrase things. That's another thing. At High-Li, Mae told me that I shouldn't feel bad for taking time to think about things, but I can't help it. I feel really awkward having to come up with something and I can never express what I want to. So, like, I don't know. It's weird. She said that, when I do speak, what I say is actually pertinent and valuable to the conversation but, more often than not, I disagree with her. I think what I say is hard to understand because I can't phrase it and I think that what I say is stupid and completely expendable anyway.

Like this blog. When has anything I have ever said in this mean something? With the writing one, it is a little different, but even that doesn't work the magic that I want. With all my issues with everyone, I'd write about them and I have told everyone about my blogs, but nobody reads them. So it's like it doesn't even matter. Jene and Jess used to read them, but the poems have stopped pertaining to them so I guess it's just lost their interest. And I don't care about getting a lot of people interested in it, I really don't want that. But I want the people who are meant to read it to see it. Because I feel like it could have helped.

I try so hard to say what is on my mind but I am so bad at it. I'm just bad at expressing myself. And it sucks. Because I think I could have fixed things before they got so bad but I am too afraid to say something wrong so I wont say it. And it is really taxing my enthusiasm and energy for things when they just fall into disrepair when I could very easily fix them and just don't have the guts to.

Unfortunately, this is one of the only ways people can hear what I want said and nobody reads it.

So I just try not to care. And I guess I'll keep it all to myself. I can try to get people to read this, but I know nobody will. Nobody will have read this much, at least.

People just get bored of me.


-----scottie.

i took a guess and cut a portion out of my heart. he said, "that's nowhere close enough, but it's a damn good start."