Your world becomes a rainstorm.

The sky is turning purple and grey.

It's my same, age old problem again. :\ Not entirely sure why I keep having the same issues.



I need really cool people to be in my Nevershoutnever video. And I need an adapter to record my cover songs. Because that's how bored I get.

I am quitting my job in the nearish future. I need time. I need money, but I need time more. Seeing as I am moving to Ohio August 20th, 2009.

I need to go to A.C.Moore NOW. I have to start my christmas presents but i have no yarn and no needles of the correct size.



And just so you know, I hate hello how are you friends. I think they are stupid. I don't see the point in calling that friendship.
A month turned into forever and hello how are you is not sufficient so go away.

--Scottie: layered sadness and the madness it revolves, bringing down the walls.

ps. two months until my birthday. yay me.

after the rockets, after the rockets.

Once again. I hate my sestina. It's about the Romanovs. But I hate it, and Mrs. Lowe is in love with it. I don't understand things. I guess I have always liked the complete polar opposite of true poetry. What's wrong with my brain?



Once upon a time, there was a girl. And her name was Mary. And I really have no idea what she did that was so wrong, but it was something that her Dad was very angry about. No matter how many times Mary said that she was sorry, her dad would just say, "No. I don't care. Sorry isn't good enough." The next time Mary ever did anything wrong, he would say the same things to her.

I think I have issues with that. Well, because of that, maybe. I've heard that insecure people apologize a lot for things that aren't their fault. I apologize too much. Dang. But when something IS my fault, apologies are entirely useless. They don't make anything better, apparently. I have always found the opposite to be true, but, clearly, i favor the opposite of propriety.

Whatever. Today I just blahh. I decided just to not apologize anymore. It's no good, I've heard.


You know what else? I never watch Scrubs. But I just turned it on for the first time of my own accord. And I wish I had someone who would just sit in the middle of a room with a lamp on the floor with a bunch of other stuff and not be grossed/weird-ed out by my crying. And they would just try to be there and listen. That would make me feel better. Even if they didn't actually do much to make me feel better. If i just had someone not be annoyed by me. Then I could stop being so..... All of the time. annoying


[[Sidebar: I didn't feel like communicating this via facebook message. And I know you read my blog. So what the heck. I mean, yeah. Thanks for explaining and apologizing (because at least, to me, that counts). Also, thanks for having no faith in me at all. Or in our friendship. I think that sucks.]]


BYCC was a joke. It made me really mad, actually. I'd say more about it, but it's late and I am going to 9:00 mass tomorrow. So goodnight.

---Scottie: has a charming air, all cheap and debonair.

I went to sleep a poet and i woke up a fraud

My sonnet is dreadful. Mrs. Lowe will like it. What good is that though?

I can't write! Gah.

I think that I can't not think. Yeah, it's a curse of being a girl. So that just means I have to deal with it, I guess. Remember rainbows? I totally just made the connection in my brain. It's that I don't have anybody to paint rainbows like I did in that poem. I mean, yeah, I have people, but i haven't had people. That was the problem. I didn't have someone to paint tragedy in the colors of the rainbow. And I've given up trying to salvage any bit of the old rainbows. I can't take it anymore. But I don't know. It's kind of a crazy coincidence, don't you think? Isn't it a little too crazy that i wrote about my hero of last year, and i wrote about the rainbows and the tragedy. and the painting. And now, I lost my hero. ...sort of. They just aren't my hero anymore. but someone is. Someone's got to be. And this time it's different because they know.

I can't get over it. It's just the strangest thing.( =] ) You have a rainbow machine? that's a heck of a lot more effective than paint. That may just be my opinion. But this time my hero is better. This time my hero has the Big Guy behind him. That helps a lot.


If you read this, you probably read my other blog. I have changed the name several times. Dance Through Sunday. Happy End. Pass the Horizon. I can't choose. i think I may just revert back to the original. Regardless, if you are confused as to this rainbow business, here's a hint:

if you are standing twenty seven days from today and turn all the way around, you'll see it.

And we'll see it. We'll see it, we'll see it.

--Scottie: when i turn jet black, you show off your light. i live to let you shine.

The Lowest Highlands

Tonight I went to see a show. And it was so much fun. I went with Conor and Jay and I knew plenty of people in it so...it's fun to watch that kind of stuff. I wrote some commentary in my bookie thing though. it was a large bookie thing.

Anyway, I am trying to fix stuff now. I still don't sleep much and I'm sad a lot of the time.
So I'm trying. And I'm not very good at it.

Oh well.

Oh my. It's 1 o clock.

I am making a music video at some point. out of pictures. to "Heregoesnothin" by nevershoutnever. wish me luck.

---Scottie: my dream dies as the time flies.

She never slows down

Senior retreat isn't something I can put into words.
Once I get the video of the skit, though, that will come directly here.

Basically, what I have to say is this: As much as I try not to, I have always judged people. And I like my friends and I am totally comfortable with them and we don't judge each other. It took my small group (specifically Cecelia, Stacy, and Nina) to show me that I judge people. I never really thought about it before. I went into my discussion groups, though, thinking, "oh geez. why did Ms Harkins give me these people for my group?" But you know, I think God made it that way so that I would come to the realization that these girls are all awesome. And they were the ones that I really, really did not get along with. but we talked about everything that there is to talk about. And some of them cried and we all wrote affirmation cards for each other and it was just....weird. I like everyone in my class. I know about them and I get them. So that's pretty great.

Anyway. That's what I think was the most important thing that I got out of this. I don't have a problem with anybody in my class. Not Claire, not Abbey, nobody.


The skit. The song is so amazing. I think that my favorite lines are "She won't make a sound. Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down. She wants to be found. The only way out is through everything she's running from. She wants to give up and lie down." In the skit, that's when the girl is running into the magazines and they are trying to change how she looks. But I think the words are kind of hopeful. I told this to a few friends and my small group. I think that they are so hopeful because I know that I am not in that situation. And none of us are. All any of us have to do is shout out for help when we fall down and there is someone to help. We can shout out too. I don't think any of us are afraid now. Like, of anything. We will give each other what we need.

And nothing you guys could ever do could make me love you less.

---Scottie: stand through your pain. you wont drown. and one day, what's lost can be found.

on a long enough line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.

"May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete."

I finished some work. My mommy says I have to quit my job. This morning, I had everything done. Everything was under control and I was breathing normally. My eyes were clear and my mascara was on my eyelashes. I guess "At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."

"Nothing was solved when the fight was over, but nothing mattered."

I don't like the yearbook editors. Don't tell them that i said that.
I think that they are selfish, rude, and condescending.
I feel like an idiot during meetings when Mrs. James asks me special questions because I'm not saying anything. But I mean, I don't want to interrupt and incur the wrath of Lo or Melissa.

"It's only after you've lost everything," Tyler says, "that you're free to do anything."

I started Peter's hat. Peter. Right. Peter doesn't read my blog so that doesn't matter.

I don't know what to do for homecoming. I supposed I'll just go with Sarah See.
My dress is so cute though.
I want to take someone and take pictures and have fun.
And I want them to not forget to come like Evan did until we called him.
I'd like that.
A stress-free dance.
Well, stress-free aside from the fact that I need to go out and buy shoes and a necklace and stuff to make my dress wearble. NYAAA.


i am purchasing knee-high converse and some high tops. i dont know which colors to get.

i am bored. i am exhausted. i am going to sleep early if i can.

nylons. i have nylons.

---Scottie: I just don't want to die without a few scars.

no one can find the rewind button, boy.

I feel poopy. I can't wait until I have a weekend off or something. Or a day. Or half of a day. I need half of a day. I can't sleep because I need to sleep so badly. My back hurts and my legs wont stop aching. I feel bad again. Whiny. Complainy.

I have a new favorite song. Just for the moment. It's called "Moses" and it's by Love Arcade.

"Break Myself" and "Lua" still win though.

I took the SATs. I think I did okay. Which means I probably got a 200.Or maybe a 203.

I don't have any time to knit. It sucks. I need to make these hats. I need to make this hat.

And I am sad. And bad. And smad. And just asdfghjkl;.

I am sleepy peachy, according to Tony.

This is what Mrs. Lowe would call a stream of consciousness, I think. I think that's what it is. That's redundant.

My eyes are sore and my neck is stiff. My ankles hurt and my complexion is terrible. I am low on makeup and snickers minis. I need my authentic hat and snickers.

Yep.

"to be safe we lose our choice of ever knowing."

I need a senior quote.

"Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. then, life seems almost enchanted after all."

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves"

"What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does."

---Scottie: all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove

I know everything. I don't know anything.

Sometimes I check my own blogs just to see if I updated them. Because sometimes I come across poems that I don't remember. And I need help figuring them out.

I think that makes me a legit literary failure. If I don't even know what my own work could possibly mean, I think that means that it's wrong.

Then again, some things can affect you and mean things to you without making sense at all. I don't think that I write those kinds of things. Ergo, fail.

if you'll be my star, i'll be your sky.
you can hide underneath me and come out at night.

Obama just said "embolded." lols.

Business: My throat hurts. I will be sick for Linthicum day. and the first AYAC meeting. So, warning, AYAC people who don't even read my blog. I sound like a man. This is abnormal. I promise.


i live to let you shine

I don't feel good. My tummy box hurts and my nose is all sneezy. I miss my high li friends a lot a lot. I kept being reminded of them today. Murielle totally made a Lauren face. Then gave me a Tinkerbell backpack which reminds me of Tomware. It was packed with stuff including jolly ranchers (which remind me of jolly ranchers) and Snickers. Which = Snickers. Duh. I got more combs because my little sister knows me completely, and they are the same combs that tyler and i use. "pretty" was overused immensely in my classes today and it was kind of annoying but then i was like, "oh. Amanda" and it was okay. Lastly, I saw a sharpie drawing on the heating pole at school. and it was of a bunny with a crooked head because it had had a stroke. Which Kasey told us about sophomore year. And now, i connect Kasey to Jeffy inside my head. so there you go.


you can set sail to the west if you want to

I am not doing as well as I'd have hoped in creative writing. I didn't like the last assignment. We had to write about something despairing that was positive and happy at the end. So I picked my Jesus story. And I wrote about my high li and this past one. And the oil and ashes service. And how that made me feel like a piece of crap covered in snow just like Martin Luther said (oh sps.). And I was apparently supposed to expand more on the inner torment that I felt. I was supposed to give an in depth analysis of my spirit being completely broken and fake and lousy. I spent most of the paper talking about that in the first place, then I barely had time to talk about the good part and about that speech that made me brain completely start clicking into place. I thought that would be more important, but I guess my teacher prefers the pain.

I don't know about you, but that isn't something that I want to revisit at the moment seeing as I am still scotch taping it back up. I don't want to lose my cool. That's sort of the deal with everything right now, isn't it? Anyway. I thought that my paper would be a little bit better, but I don't know. Maybe I assume too much. If any of my high li friends read it, they'd understand. But I am not good at explaining, I guess. I can't paint the picture. And that's kind of the point.

I think I'll go write something on my other blog. I want to rename it again. After a song. is that lame? I'm just going to see how it looks.

---Scottie: I live to make you free.

it burns me straight to the bone

-nobody will go to the picnic with me.
-none of my replacement people will go to the picnic with me.
-i have a ton of homework and will now be wasting my time at a stupid picnic all by myself.
-my fingers hurt because i keep getting random scratches at work and i don't know how or why.
-my hair looks stupid.
-i can't think of a good enough design for a hat that i am supposed to be making.
-i have to work today.
-nobody is ever online or awake or there when i try to communicate with them.
-i feel like i need to sneeze.
-i have felt like i need to sneeze for at least 12 hours now.
-my stomach is eating itself.
-the ukulele people said that they aren't shipping my uke until Wednesday.
-i wont get the uke until Friday.
-i have nothing to wear.
-i have to go to 11:00 mass with the annoying asian girl singer and the priest that i really really really can't stand.
-i am going to miss 11:11.
-nobody is going to make sure that I remember anyway.
-i have to type up stuff for Creative Writing that doesn't exist because I don't think that it should.
-i have to read Acts of the Apostles today.
-i should be doing homework right now.
-i can't because there is too much on my mind and i have to get it out somehow.
-it's not making me feel any better or less pressured.

+at least I am home alone. i usually hate that.

--Scottie: you want a war? you got a war. but who are you fighting for?

i live to let you shine

today was crappy. and i feel like talking to someone. but nobody is online and i feel really guilty calling them unless i know they aren't busy. and i don't feel like talking on the phone because i have issues with thinking on my feet and being sensible at the same time.

But I want my shoes. And I want to call Cingular. I want my ukulele and I want a guitar and I want to play music. But I can't even do that because my mom is having a Bunco party. So I am listening to a mix cd that I haven't had a chance to give to my friend. That fails.

I'm just in a bad mood. And I am going to go finish Tom's little brother's new hat. and start a pattern for a new hat. If you want one, just tell me what you want it to look like. pattern and picture wise at least.

--scottie: i live to make you free

come on, kid. look at what you did.

I don't like to see my friends unhappy. I don't like being helpless to fix it. I don't feel like I do much for people and as much as someone may say to the contrary, it's not what I am looking for so I'm not going to accept it. Just to get that out of the way.

Sometimes there are people who I think just deserve to be happy. I mean, JUST happy. Once you go through enough, you have paid your dues and should be happy.

There is this really amazing person and they have been dealing with a lot. I don't know the whole of it, but even what I know is a lot. And I really hope they can just be happy when everything settles. Even if it's just for a while.

There is this other awesome person who seems to only dig deeper into this mess of confusion and misery and craziness. And I think there oughta be a ladder at the bottom.

I don't know why either chooses to be friends with me, but they do. And I am blessed for that. Because they really ARE a blessing to anybody. I hope they realize that. I'll pray that they realize that.

Some people don't deserve too much pain, but that doesn't stop it from coming. And it seems pessimistic, but I don't believe God is testing you. I don't believe that he is giving people these burdens because he knows they can handle them. I know that they wouldn't be overburdened if He had anything to say about it, but that's different. God isn't doing this to people. God doesn't do things to cause us pain. People always accept that God acts on Earth. He acts in small ways like happy moments, and he acts in huge ways like miracles. Why, then, do people only see Satan in the big things he does like Possessions and Ouija boards? He does little stuff too.

I'm not saying natural calamities and death and things are works of Satan, that's ridiculous. I am simply saying that it shouldn't be forgotten that evil is very present so you can't just blame God.

When bad stuff happens, don't worry about it. If you are hurt by it, remind yourself that it's for a higher purpose. I believe that the purpose something has is always served. And once it is, it's time to go and make room. It's time for people to start to go over what has been achieved in the lifetime of whatever it is that passed on.

I don't think that made sense.

---Scottie: you can't kill heroes.

100 Posts. 100 Things

you're vain
your games
you're insecure
you're not skinny
you're not pretty
you're not crazy
you're no fun
i've seen better
i've heard better
i've read better
------------------
you can help
you have pull
your hair is cute
your clothes are cute
nice shoes
nice work ethic
nice voice (just nice)
you're different
you're your own
at least you don't care what they say
------------------
you care what they say

there aren't 100 things you'd care to read. There aren't 50 for each list.
it's only fair to stop while i'm ahead.

--Scottie: the team's losing ground to the opposing defense.

a deserted cartoon that i wrote

By the way. I can't remember if I have talked about this before.

I don't like when bad things happen to good people. But I like it even less when those people ask "Why did this happen to me?" when really it just happens to affect them. If a friend or family member dies, it isn't about you. The Question isn't "How could you do this to me, God?" it's "Did they really deserve that?" or "How can I cope with this?"

People are naturally selfish in that way. I'm not saying I've never thought things like that. But I just wanted to say this all.

I don't think it's fair to make someone else's tragedy all about yourself. I understand. I'm not angry at people who do that. I just wish they understood.

Then again, who says I understand? I could be totally wrong.

--Scottie: you know you did it.

strike a pose on a cadillac.

Demi Lovato sang "That's How You Know" from Enchanted. It was fabulous.
THe Jonas Brothers. Ahhhh. Just....ahhhh.

win.

So, i may adapt other people's philosophies and stuff, but I make them my own, sort of. I don't just say, "That's something to live by" unless it's something that I'd have thought up eventually. Like, this song. "That's How You Know." It's stupid. The thought is nice. But it's all like, what you can buy someone or somewhere you can take someone. And that's how you know. Um, no. Fail. You know because you know. Not because he wears your favorite color.
I read your letter. The one you left when you broke into my house. I’m retracing every step you made and you said you meant it. There's a piece of me in every single second of every single day. But if it’s true to tell me how we got this way.


So I have two versions of "Soco Amaretto Lime" and as much as I love Jesse Lacey. I think I prefer Brand New's version. I don't like Jesse's guitar.


Where are you now? As I’m swimming through the stereo I conduct a symphony of sound.
Where are you now? As I'm cutting through you track by track I swear to god this mix could sink the sun
Well if the mix could sink the sun, the sun needs the moon's eyes. But the moon kind of gets eclipsed and it stands alone. And that's when everyone takes notice. I don't like summer though. So I don't care if the sky is golden.
Just saying.

I'm digging the quotes a little too much today. Just a little. I almost typed "I need to find a retarded kid and teach him how to play softball." But then I decided not to. So much Gilmore Girls information intruding in my brain.

This blog feels useless. I don't have a lot to talk about. I want to go to Jené's house.
I want to sleep on the bottom bunk of her bed.
I want to take goofy pictures with her.
I want to eat sourdough bread.
I want to write my name on a plastic cup.
I want to listen to mix tapes.
I want to make offensive backgrounds for her computer.
I want to play on her swing set.
I want to play on the Wii or something.
I want to over-dress for the occasion too.
I want to (and will) make her a new mix tonight because I haven't in a long time.

I miss you.
-Scottie: I never knew just what it was about this old coffeeshop I loved so much.

one man show?

I am listening to the "A Little Bit Longer" CD from the Jonas Brothers. Erin, Laura, and I have 10th row seats to see them at Nissan tomorrow. I need to decide what to wear. I have no clue other than the red skinnies. And possibly a skirt over them.

So Ryan mentioned "Birches" by Robert Frost yesterday and I have been carrying it around rereading it. And I really like it. It's wonderfully ambiguous. But I think the gist of what I keep getting variations of when I read it is this: You can't sacrifice all of the good times for the bad ones. You can't let a phase ruin all of the happy times. You can be happy in your life, but it usually comes with pain and sadness as well. Then again, it all depends on how you choose to look at it. Somebody else probably has it worse.


I like in "BB Good" on this CD when Joe goes, "I wanna kiss you!" It's so silly sounding.

I started writing differently. If you noticed the "Faceless Days Seemed So Simple In The Moonlight" poem, it's really different. The ones from High LI aren't as different. But it's a new approach to writing that I have. With the "Faceless Days" poem especially, it's one that I want to be figured out. It's one that I can't explain any better than it is written. And I was listening to a cd when I was writing it and everything just seemed so applicable so I wrote down my connections of the lyrics that stood out to my life and the situation and then I went back through the next day and sort of encrypted everything. (Obviously, though, I didn't bother 'coding' the first one on the "oil" set.)

You know how I am. I'm not the kind of person who can just say things. Drawbacks (perhaps) of being an introvert to this extent.

So I hope you can figure out these new posts. Well, those new posts. On the newly renamed "Happy End" blog.

I love you.

---Scottie: The engine's stalled and it wont stop raining.

Let's go on dreaming

I need to update this blog. But everyone already knows everything. So why?

I could just talk about nothing important. I don't like doing that, though. I know, I do it a lot, but I don't like it.

Hmm...what's going on. I'm reading Wuthering Heights and The Fountainhead. The former sucks, the latter is pretty neato. :]

This is going to be a post to bore you to death.

My tummy hurts. We don't have decent food in my house. I can't live off of Lean Pockets and FiberOne bars. This is ridiculous.

I don't want to go anywhere this weekend. But I promised Sarah Brohawn that I'd help with the Cemetary thing again. Then the Twilight party should be fun. Even with only four guests.


Bored yet? Read my other blog sometimes. it's much more interesting.

Picket Fence, Rose Garden, Etc.

Women's History is a bunch of crap. I don't care what famous women did to make my life better. Seriously. So what if I have to work harder than men to be accomplished and recognized? The fact that I can is good enough. Feminists bug me too. What the heck? Activists in general, actually. The radical ones that are so extremist that people are so confused and freaked out they don't know what to say to them? Fail. They just bug people. That's not going to make much of a difference.

Anyway. SO not the point. I'm just completely bored and I wrote a poem to enter in the Images contest! Yay! But last year, I won and they changed my poem and cut off the last lines. :| NOT COOL.

Oh well. I'll enter anyway.

I hate Emily Dickinson, by the way. I'm fine with Whitman. We write similarly from time to time (Meaning when I make an effort) so I can appreciate that. But I think Emily was better left undiscovered. That's just me. Matthew Prior? There's a fun poet. :]

If only there were more to type. I want a new dress and have two yearbook spreads due tomorrow. The end.

----Mary; hello, i've missed you quite terribly.

Let's Waste Time Chasing Cars

Lorelai: No, you don't get it. I need it to be over, I need it to be over, because I can't take this anymore. Yes, I love Luke, and yes, I wanted to marry Luke, but I-I-I didn't want a life seperate from Luke and that's all he could give me. I don't want that. If I'm gonna be with Luke, I want to be with Luke and he didn't get it, and I waited, God, I waited. It's like Luke is driving a car, okay, and I just wanna be in the passenger seat, but he's locked the door and, so I have to hold onto the bumper. You know, I'm not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked, and say come in, but no he - he didn't do that. So, I'm hanging onto the bumper, and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised, and am hitting potholes, and it hurts, I mean it hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper, because it hurts too much - it hurts too much.
Sookie: Okay.

Wake Up, Jack, This Isn't Fair.

I think it's really strange that you can be standing right next to somebody and you can talk to them and hug them and everything but you can still miss them at the same time.

Now, I don't mean that there is something wrong or they are somehow absent, but there is just not enough time in the world to spend with them. And your mind just wants to think about how you don't have enough time with them but, at the same time, you are trying to focus on them with all of your attention so that you don't miss anything.

That's how I feel.

----scottie.

What's Your Rush? You're Missing All The Flowers

The sun wont set for hours!


Little Women is this weekend.
AHHHHH.
I was a peer minister on the Confirmation retreat this past weekend. It was fun. I missed O'Dwyer soooo much since High Li and Father Marty was there and my banner and ahh.

Oh. and the Resurrection Chapel. I LOVE the resurrection chapel.

um ok.

So that's kind of it. not a lot is happening. My birthday is in 9 days.
----scottie.